You smell like a Billy Joel song
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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