I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
