Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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