I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
