today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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