My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
