So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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