My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
