Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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