I think I won the penis lottery.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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