I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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