Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
