She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
