A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
