You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
