why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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