Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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