It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
