my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
