i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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