i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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