meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
