do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
