I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
