Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
