you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
