can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
