Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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