I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
