Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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