as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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