So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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