After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
