after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
