he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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