I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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