tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
it's like heaven, but drunker
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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