wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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