Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
