Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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