I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
