nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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