Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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