Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
