I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
