How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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