I didn't shave. On purpose
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
