I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have aggressive nipples.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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