dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
