so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
