Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
